The phone call

Ok here's the phone call to end it:

I was planning on calling him after work on Friday. On my way out of school he actually ends up calling me. It kinda throws me off and when I hear his voice and we start chatting I almost chicken out.

Then we start talking about what we are doing this weekend. He has his kid this weekend and was telling me about what they were going to do. He asked me what I was planning to do with my whole weekend off. I was surprised by this because he knows I am free all weekend, yet he doesn't invite me to join him and his son at all. I've met his son, so why am I not invited to anything? 

Then he goes on to talk about how he is so busy the next month or two with work. He is going to have to travel to Iowa, New York, etc and has some upcoming weekends with the guys. I am also agreeing because my weekends are either partially free or most likely filled with Badger tailgating. At this point I realize it is my opening. Here goes...

"We'll I've actually been wanting to tell you something. I don't think this is really working for me anymore.' 

I go on to explain that it's the distance and that even though I didn't have a plan for our relationship, this is now how I envisioned it going. I decide not go go into all the other details because at this point I am just done with it all and don't need to talk about all that other shit that will end up making me feel even worse. Instead I decide to say:

"I don't feel like we are where we were 2 months ago." I also said: "I feel like there's more distance between us - you're not calling me as much and I'm not calling you as much. You feel that too right?" 

He somewhat agreed but did seem slightly surprised at it all. 

We continued to agree on it all and at the end of the convo he asks if it's ok that when he's in town for work if we could go out for a drink. That's fine with me. He then proceeds to tell me: "and when you're in Milwaukee and you need some casual sex, give me a call." Seriously?! Come on dude I'm not like that and if you know me at all you would know that. At my weird reaction he says: "ha I'm just kidding...but not really. That door will always be open." 

Thanks but no thanks. Haven't contacted him since and haven't heard from him - the way I prefer it and the only way I will move past this quicker. 

I am not the type of person to dwell over something or try to make it something that it's not. Maybe that is a gift of mine but maybe it is also a flaw. I am so easily able to cut it off and end it and not make any further contact. Of course I am hurting inside and am feeling off my game, but is contacting him or feeling sorry for myself going to help? NO WAY. I'm on my way up from all this and can't wait to find someone that makes me feel like I'm beautiful everyday, like I am the only person that will make him happy...

Someday I will look back and laugh at these blogs right?!

3 of 180

This is what I did on my Thursday night - tedious but it's all a part of the job. 

6 of 180

Today was a pretty good day. It's still tough because I am still having to show the sub how to do everything. I am also a bit worried because she doesn't have strong behavior management skills and I don't want my teammate to come back to chaos. 

We came in from recess and one of my boys tells me that they were playing like 'men' outside. I asked him what that meant and he looked at me like I should know the answer - "we did what men do." I asked what that is. He said: "well we finish school, got a job, took care of the women and girls." I asked him if he went to college before he got his job and he said no he didn't need to. I sat down with him and told him that he should go to college before getting a job. He looked at me confused and told me that he knows some men who didn't go to college and have a job. I agreed but told him that he would be going to college. I asked him: "you're going to go to college right?" He smiled and said "yes, yes I will!"

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I do a "walking group" into the neighborhood. I get a bunch of students together and I walk them home. Our school is not in the best of neighborhoods and some people think it's too dangerous to walk into, but I disagree. The kids love it and I get to see and talk with parents and other people in the neighborhood. This was the first time this year I finally started so I reminded the kids that I will be doing it again twice a week! Some of the girls reminded me to bring shoes so when I wear heels I can be comfortable! You got it girls! 

Time Heals All Wounds

I guess it's time to write about my latest relationship and exactly how and why I needed to end it...

I thought this relationship had potential. We got along great and had so many things in common: got along well with each others friends, enjoyed doing various activities together, we were both athletic and liked to eat healthy and much more. We even had a great story of how we met! I thought that maybe he would last and that I would finally be able to say the "L" word for the first time...I was wrong 😕

I guess it didn't really start feeling wrong until about two weeks before the breakup. I noticed that he wasn't calling as often. We usually chatted every day and one of us (usually him) would call and we'd talk for a white. It had started to slow down and he would email me and forward me health articles instead of taking the time to pick up the phone and call. 

The first day of school and the last day of school are probably the most important days in the careers of teachers. Sadly I did not even get a text or phone call from him on the first day of school. On the second day I texted him and said: "I wouldn't have minded a call from you yesterday." Still didn't hear from him so when I called a couple hours later he didn't even acknowledge it and was just reading a book. Lame. On the third day, he sent me another health article...

And for that matter, the article was about artificial sugars and how they can cause ASD (artificial sugar disease). I thought it odd and emailed back joking that its just another thing to add to our list of things that will kill us! He emailed back (again without calling) and told me that I needed to "rethink my diet soda intake." Sorry buddy but I drink one-a-day and I'm not about to let you tell me what I can drink. This is one example but there were more as I thought on it throughout our relationship that made me think he was a bit controlling. I emailed him back and said: "thanks for emailing instead of calling." He never acknowledged that either...

So we are at our first Badger tailgate together. He comes late (which is normal for him), and we've already gotten a pretty good start. I told a friend that I was nervous about him coming because I didn't want him to be a downer like he was for a past Brewer tailgate. He literally sat off to the side (kind of pouting) and was anti-social because he was tired and didn't want to have to talk to all the new people and be fake like he was the whole day before at the wedding and reception. Seriously?! That's what wedding weekends and tailgates are all about - socializing! Anyways, I was pleasantly surprised and he did a great job socializing and being fun at the tailgate. 

We ended up going to the bar to watch the game. That was a good time until one of us brought up the whole distance thing (Milwaukee-Madison). I had been drinking for a while so I was not in the right state of mind to have a deep discussion and became a bit dramatic and started getting upset as we tried to talk about it more. He suggested we talk somewhere else so we told our friends we'd meet them at another bar.

We left the bar and ended up sitting on a curb and talking about it, even though it probably was not the most ideal time to do this. It was weighing on both our minds. We discussed how close he could come (because of his son) and how far out I could go), and what we would do in regards to my condo. I had suggested he live with me until we know it works and then we find a place over there, but he said that just would not work. Now don't worry this was just talk of what we would do in the future, nothing happening soon. Long story short though, it became pretty clear that neither of us was willing to make a big sacrifice for the other. 

We continued to talk about different aspects of our relationship and somehow it lead to other issues. I ended up telling him that I have very high insecurities with a specific part of my body and I always have. Instead of making a smart choice, he tells me that he has been having issues with it as well (yes issues with this part of my body) and that he talked with a friend of his because he wasn't sure what to do. He said that his friend told him that some girls have this and that's just how it goes. He ends up telling me that I am beautiful in other ways and he will have to live with it. At the time this kind of flew over my head but as the week went on, I realized there were SO MANY things wrong with this discussion, and it ultimately lead to me ending it. Maybe it's because I didn't want to let him go, but I had to get the opinions from my 2 best friends in order to truly realize this was wrong. 

Here are the things that were wrong with that discussion:

1. He made the choice to tell me he has issues with my number one insecurity - making me feel 100 times more insecure. Boyfriends should never do that.

2. He wasn't sure WHAT TO DO? What would you do? Why is there something you feel you should do? Do what?!

3. Then he went and talked with his friend about this part of my body. He should never have done that in that way, and then tell me! Now what does this friend think and what else has my boyfriend been talking to his friends about?

4. This is the first time he's EVER told me that I'm beautiful.

5. Finally, he said he'd have to live with it. That makes me feel like shit and he shouldn't have ever said that he'd "have to live with it." I shouldn't feel like I am disappointing him with something that has been a part of me for the entire time weve been dating. He should be making me feel better about myself. 

This got me thinking about another thing he has said to me before that is related to this and to him being controlling. He once told me that he feels that strong couples should be able to tell each other when they are gaining weight, need to get into the gym and need to eat better to look better. I guess I agree to a point but people need to be careful when doing that and I don't know if his intentions are coming from the right place.

In our conversation that Badger day, I did end up telling him that he had been a downer at the Brewer tailgate and that I was nervous for him to come today. He asked for me to tell him more things that I had issues with him, what he needed to change, how his body could look better. but I didn't go on. 

I honestly think that he was trying giving me a window, so he could have a window to tell me what he did. I don't work like that and what he has said and done has taken a huge hit on my self-esteem. It makes me so mad that after all the hurt I've been through with men that I wouldn't be able to move past it and forget about him, but it's stuck with me and I just can't shake it as easily as I usually can...time heals all wounds right? Lets hope so...

More to come on the actual breakup convo...